At various points in time I noticed that people underestimate me. I would come to the realisation in what appeared to be harmless conversations, but the result was that people – normally people who don’t know me well – see a very different person when looking at me. 

Years ago I told a then colleague that I love cycling and also cycle to work. He assumed that I had a girl’s bicycle with a cute little basket at the front. That is so not me.

A couple times over the years people have looked at me wondering how I got a man like my husband. Yes, some people do look at you like that!

Last week I asked a colleague for a chat over lunch so that I could pick his brain about improving an old blog I own. When I told him about it he smiled and said: “You little entrepreneur”. Whatever…

This goes beyond people being puzzled surprised that I earn good money despite working in that “obscure” industry that is digital marketing. Shall I tell them next time that in my current job I make 30% more than the man I replaced?!

For years I put it down to the fact that I am not only a woman (too cynic?) but blond too. (Just think of how many women and men pay to get the hair colour I get for free). I’ve never been one for fancy suits or expensive brands, but I value quality. I chose a career that allowed me to have the wardrobe I really want. Every day. I wear flats because quite frankly heels are a pain in the neck. Just ask Japanese women. Being a cyclist at heart I prefer trousers to dresses and my hair do has to be helmet proof.

I guessed people just see me as one of the many mums running after their offspring. Until FIRE v London and indeedably recently wrote blog posts about underestimating others – even they realised how wrong their initial perception of some other people was.

As for me, I underestimated many, many people too. And the fact that I couldn’t tell you whom, shows that often we don’t realise we do it.

Why do people underestimate others?

We instinctively admire people who are successful – whatever that means for each one of us. We also admire people that people we admire look up to and hang out with.

Vice versa we don’t admire people who are too far from what we ourselves value. People who are not cool, who don’t earn a lot, who come from an underprivileged background and more. Stereotypes make a killing in this arena. 

We tend to forget however that the way we perceive others depends in large part to our own personality – and the personality of the other person.

Alpha males and alpha females tend to underestimate people who are not go-getters. Career men tend not to see mothers as a thread, hence underestimating them. All of this can easily extend to private situations outside of work.

A few years ago I did a personality test through work. That was an eye opener! I didn’t necessarily like the results, but after a moment of reflection I knew that they were right. It helped me understand how I function and how others like to be talked to and treated. It also made me realise why others see me the way they do, and what I can do about it.

I wholeheartedly recommend everyone does a personality test. There are plenty of free ones online – it will help you understand yourself better.

What does being underestimated mean for people seeking financial independence?

Monday morning with my colleagues I often talk about what we did over the weekend. I spend a lot of time with my daughter and my husband, and I also catch up on my blogging. However I never mention the latter one at work. Which, I guess, makes me pass like the average not-quite-so-cool mummy living in the suburbs.

I don’t mind, or rather I don’t care. I know that I am there because of an employment contract that I signed – I like my job and I like the people I work with, but we are all there because we want to earn our salaries.

Every payday I know my money is automatically moved to various savings accounts without me moving a finger. I save and invest for myself and for my daughter. Every month I quietly get a step closer to financial independence.

Does anyone notice? Probably not. But it doesn’t matter, what matters is that I do.

I have learnt not to get annoyed about being underestimated. I also learnt that most people are underestimated by someone.


7 Comments

Steveark · 15th September 2019 at 11:29 pm

Great explanation of something we all do. In a way it is a survival skill to make snap judgments on others. Is that guy a threat, or could I knock him down? Is that woman trustworthy or should I keep away from her. Probably dating from our distant violent and dangerous past. But in this world it is another vestige of the past we have to get over if we want a fair world. Great post!

    Sonia · 17th September 2019 at 9:53 pm

    Thank you Steveark, glad you liked it!

GetFI · 17th September 2019 at 8:42 am

Thanks for writing this post. I still get the impression that you are analysing opinions of others a lot more than needed. You know Opinions are like assholes, everyone’s got one.

I have been underestimated all my life, right since I was in school, to the time my girlfriends parents forced us to break up because they felt she could do better.
While all that is water under the bridge, it was only at the beginning of my 30s that I realized, I didn’t love or respect myself as much as I should, I do not need to waste a single second of my life on people who do not value me or appreciate my time. This mindspace change has made me feel much better about myself, and I now enjoy being underestimated, because that removes any burden of expectations, and gives an element of surprise. So, you don’t owe anyone an explanation, you are not in a competition and nobody has a right to judge you.

I would suggest a book, The Subtle art of not giving a f*ck, even with that scandalous title, its a good read.

Cheers

Sonia · 17th September 2019 at 10:05 pm

Hi GetFI,

It’s very sad you were forced to breakup with your former girlfriend, I really don’t understand this kind of behaviour.

As for my post, don’t get me wrong – I do like myself and I do appreciate myself. If I didn’t I would have chosen a career that is easier to explain and a life a lot more conventional.

I strongly believe in financial independence and freedom of choice. If anything I’d like to inspire more people, women in particular, to get into this frame of mind. Being underestimated means that I am less visible to many people who could benefit from being introduced to our community. And blogging anonymously does not help in this respect.

As for the book you suggest, I started it but was put off by the sheer amount of f*** words in it. Just because he got a good title doesn’t mean he should abuse that one word.

Sonia

{ in·deed·a·bly } · 18th September 2019 at 7:36 pm

That is quite a thought provoking post Sonia, well done.

For what it is worth, I think being underestimated can be a good thing. Expectations management is all about under-promising and over-delivering. The same can be true of expectations.

How many times have we met one of our heroes, someone look up to and admire? Of those, how many lived up to our expectations, versus how many did we find wanting?

Instead of the noble/talented/awe inspiring person we had placed up on a pedestal, we met a flawed or vain or shallow individual who was a mere shadow of who we thought they would be. That failing is entirely our own, they didn’t ask to be lionised after all!

So when we are underestimated, it makes it easy for us to delight, impress, surpass expectations, and win.

Consider the opposite scenario: being overestimated. Even if they did a perfectly competent job, we couldn’t help but be disappointed that they failed to live up to what we had expected.

Given the choice, I would choose to be underestimated every time. If we’re going to be pre-judged anyway, then it is far better to pleasantly surprise than quietly underwhelm.

Sonia · 18th September 2019 at 11:11 pm

You have a point, indeedably.

I wonder if everyone who is underestimated manages to pleasantly surprise their underestimator. Probably not. And probably it doesn’t matter.

    { in·deed·a·bly } · 19th September 2019 at 6:48 am

    A fair question. I suspect you are right.

    Another way of looking at that: if somebody who perceives they were underestimated then fails to exceed those low expectations, does that not mean the low expectations were justified and their own self-perception was inflated?

    I suspect that is also often true. We all believe we are above average and special, yet by definition we can’t all be.

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